From here the ground and the sky seemed equidistant, the lights of Fifth Jerusalem mirroring the stars. Except for a few dark holes in the city's web of lights, it was impossible to see the damage, or to imagine what had happened there only days before.

They could have gone elsewhere to be alone, and with less difficulty, but she had brought him here because she wanted him to see it again, the beginning, the turning point. When the elevator came level with the floor, she stepped off first, walked to the nearest window, and placed her hands against the glass, looking out to the curve of the horizon until his reflection appeared behind her own. She leaned back against him, and after a moment he set his right hand on her shoulder.

She stared down at the world, at the tracks of darkness scarring the lights of the city. "I wanted MOMO to hate me," she said, "as much as I wanted you to love me. That way, I would know you were both real."

He said nothing, but she heard him breathing steadily.

"I didn't believe she really loved me, because I didn't think I deserved-- No. I don't deserve to be loved. But she loved me anyway, because she had no choice, because she was programmed that way, and I didn't think it was fair. So I was cruel to her. Terribly, monstrously cruel. It was like an experiment. I wanted to test her, find out how far I could push her before I found her breaking point. And I almost succeeded. I came so close to pushing her away forever, and it wasn't even because I hated her. You can't really hate a person if you only see them as an object. No, what I hated was myself--so much that I thought everyone else must hate me too." She laughed bitterly and looked up at his reflection again; his expression hadn't changed.

"I used to hate myself," he said. "A long time ago. I think it must have been in my other life. I don't know why I stopped. I guess at some point I just realized it wasn't worth the effort--that it was easier to pretend I had no feelings than to try to deal with them."

"But I can't do that. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm not strong enough."

"I didn't say you should do it just because I did. And you're stronger than you think."

She laughed again. "I'd like to believe that."

"Trust me."

"I trust you." Closing her eyes, she reached up to her shoulder and felt for his hand there. "It's me I don't trust."

For a while they stood in silence, suspended above the world.

"By the way," she said at last, "did you ever figure it out?"

He was silent for a few moments longer, and she wondered if he remembered. Then he shook his head. "Not yet."

"Oh."

"But ... maybe, for now, just asking myself that question is enough. It's been a long time since anyone asked me that. More than a lifetime." He moved slightly, and she turned to face him, and he looked her in the eyes. "Juli, this is what I do know. For as long as I'm still alive, I want to be there for you and MOMO. I may not be able to do everything you ask of me, but at the very least, I want to be near you, and I want to try to protect you if I can. And maybe we can try to learn from each other. I know it's not much of an answer, but ...."

Juli smiled. "It's a good start."

"What would you say if I asked you the same question?"

"I don't know." Her own answer surprised her; at any other time she could have thought of a hundred things she didn't have or wished she had or wanted to change. "I guess I want everything. Most of the time." She took a step closer, reached for his hand again. "But right now, maybe all I really want is this."

When he smiled back it was hardly noticeable, little more than a softening of the sternness of his usual expression, but she had been watching him long enough to know the difference. She put her arms around him and held on, as if by holding on tightly enough she could keep him here--and then, hesitantly, almost reluctantly at first, he was holding her too.

∞

"So you're leaving tomorrow?" said Juli, leaning forward slightly over her desktop.

On the screen in front of her, Jin gave a slight nod of his head. "Based on the coordinates you obtained from tracking Nephilim's waveform patterns, we should be able to locate her without too much difficulty. The only trouble will be knowing what to expect when we get there."

"I see. It's a shame you can't take KOS-MOS with you. How are her repairs coming along, by the way?"

"The damage wasn't as severe as we thought," said Shion. "The First Division hopes to have her fully repaired and upgraded soon."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Juli.

"Still, it makes me wonder what we're up against," said Jin. "If that agent was able to defeat her so easily ...."

Juli swallowed hard and closed her eyes, remembering the woman in the gray coat advancing on her, and Nephilim's grip tightening around her waist a moment before the world exploded in a brilliant spasm of pain. Even now, the memory brought back a sharp ache that rang inside her skull like an echo, and she shook her head to get rid of it. Blinking away the specks in her eyes, she looked back at the screen. "I wish you both success."

"Thank you," said Jin. "We'll call one more time before we set out tomorrow, just to confirm our plans."

"Very well. I'll look forward to hearing from you then."

When the screen went blank, she stood and straightened the files on her desk, and then she took her connection gear and headed out, taking a detour past the construction barricades in the hallway. Parts of the building remained closed for minor repairs, but here, too, the damage had proven less extensive than it seemed at first, and most of the staff had already returned to work. Juli had insisted on returning to her office the first day it reopened after the attacks, declining the offer of a few days' paid leave extended to the rest of her department. It had already occurred to her to search for Nephilim's signal using the waveform data from the examinations, and Juli had wanted to track her down immediately, without wasting any time.

She stepped out onto the sidewalk, blinking in the late-afternoon light. The pavement still steamed with the morning's rain, but the air was clear now, and she could see the ravaged skyline of Fifth Jerusalem's downtown jutting defiantly around her, shored up by a gridwork of scaffolding as the city rebuilt itself.

On the way to her car, she called MOMO. "I'm leaving work now," she said. "I just have to stop at the lab for a while, and then we'll be home."

MOMO clapped her hands. "That's wonderful! I can't wait. I'll see you soon, Mommy."

"See you soon." She flashed a hesitant smile, then switched off the connection gear and got into her car.

∞

This time he awoke to find the room empty, the two chairs along the wall unoccupied and his sleep monitored only by the machines in the corner emitting shrill pulses in time with his heartbeat. He didn't mind the solitude; it gave him a few minutes to reassemble his thoughts before she arrived.

He hadn't gone back to the Foundation since the day of the attack. Jr. had granted him an extended leave of absence from his duties there, and he had spent the last few weeks on Fifth Jerusalem. After some discussion, he had agreed to schedule a third appointment at the lab. Juli had made the arrangements for today, and when she finally walked in, carrying her coat on her arm--it must have grown warmer outside since this morning--he could read the results of his latest examination in her expression, even before she spoke.

"Well," she said, still breathing shallowly as if she had run all the way from her car, "it isn't getting any better, but at least it's slowed down. At this rate, it might even stabilize before the deterioration progresses much further. You might be able to make it another five or ten years without treatment. And by then, who knows? There's always Realian technology, and maybe--" She stopped when she saw the look on his face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you. We'll take it one step at a time, for now."

He shook his head. "No, it's all right. I was just wondering if you had been speaking with a certain representative of the Kukai Foundation recently."

Juli looked surprised. "As a matter of fact, yes. I was just in contact with Gaignun Kukai Jr. today. He mentioned ... something I'd like to talk to you about, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind."

She pulled up one of the chairs alongside the bed and sat down. "It was brought to my attention that your contract with the Foundation will be expiring soon. The original plan was to renew it for as long as necessary, but ...." She hesitated, pressing her lips into a tight seam. "Jr. had another suggestion. He offered to have your registration transferred into my name, so that, in effect, you would be assigned to me indefinitely."

"I see." Ziggy stared up at the ceiling, waiting for his thoughts to settle into order. "What did you say to him?"

"I told him no." Her voice was suddenly sharp, but without anger. "I said that as long as it was only up to me, I didn't want any part of it. I don't want to own you."

He was silent. The dark spots on the ceiling didn't move. After a moment, he felt Juli's hand rest on his own, and he looked over at her.

"But it's not up to me. And the offer is still open." She slipped her other hand underneath his, so that she held it in both of hers. "And if you were in agreement ... then I wouldn't mind it either."

"I see." He grasped her hand, held it as firmly as she held his gaze with her eyes just then, challenging him not to look away. This time, he didn't have to think about his answer. "Tell him I said yes."

Juli closed her eyes and leaned forward with a faint, nervous laugh, resting her head against his arm, as if all the tension of the last few months had suddenly left her. "MOMO will be so happy when she finds out. Do you want to tell her, or should I?"

"Why not both of us? We can talk to her when we get home tonight."

"Yes, I like the sound of that." She got up, still holding his hand. "Well, come on then."

He stood and followed her into the waiting room, and out into the afternoon light.

February - March 2009